So September has wrapped up and we are now entering one of our favorite holidays, HALLOWEEN! Be prepared for all of the classic horror movies being played on your TV stations!
In the spirit of the season, one of our friends offered to write a fun little post on what he’s learned from the years of watching horror movies.
Hi Philo75 readers!
Thanks for having me here. I wanted to contribute some helpful tips on how to survive in a scary situation. I’d like to think that I have some expertise in this, as I’ve only watched, oh, like, hundreds of horror movies. It also seems like in each of these movies, the characters always make the SAME mistakes and get taken out.
So, here is what I gathered to survive getting killed by a guy named Jason wearing a scary mask, or if you somehow end up in an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere:
1. When it appears that you have killed a monster, NEVER approach it to check if it’s really dead just get the hell out of there.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud. Never. Ever. Not even as a joke. This goes doubly for the Book of the Dead.
3. Do not investigate any basements, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them. Immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Please note that it will likely take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair up and go off alone.
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re investigating a strange noise and find that it was just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out of there.
10. Do not take ANYTHING belonging to a dead person. They will miss it and they will kill you to get it back.
11. If you come across a seemingly deserted town, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, etc, kill them. Immediately.
15. Avoid certain geographical locations, for example: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Sidenote: If you’re not sure how you ran out of gas because you had a full tank, go ahead and shoot yourself. You are going to die anyway, most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools, even if they’re sexy shirtless country boys with a wonderful manly chest. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices constructed from deceased companions.
18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with someone else. Anyone else. Stay in a hotel. Just get out. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic rituals in your house.
It all boils down to this: Want to survive this Halloween? Don’t touch it. Don’t take it home. Don’t call its name. Don’t make fun of it. Don’t pick it up. Don’t poke it with a stick. Don’t create it in a lab. Don’t tease it. Don’t investigate it. Don’t assume it’s not evil. Don’t read it out loud. Don’t invoke it. Don’t summon it. Don’t give it to someone as a gift. Don’t dig it up. JUST DON’T FUCK WITH IT!
Have a Happy Halloween!
Submitted by Trent from http://gynecomastiasurgerytoronto.com/